i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize