We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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