I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
