I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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