Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
