I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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