Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
