Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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