I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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