Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
