i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
