I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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