I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
