I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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