i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
a search helicopter?!
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
