How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
