if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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