Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize