You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
