Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
