im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
