Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
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