I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
