Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
