I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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