I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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