so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
