I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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