I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
