So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
