I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
