just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
