i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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