I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
