Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
