Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
