I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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