He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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