lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
