i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
