my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
