You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
