It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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