I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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