if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize