Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
dude i'm inner monologue high
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
