Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Randomize
