chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
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