I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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