she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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