I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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