maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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