My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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