youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
