Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
